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Hippo Rage - a humorous look at stress and anger today
(text of a mini-keynote speech by David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy, which brought down the house in Gatineau, Quebec, April 21, 2002) Has anybody here ever been stuck in traffic for a frustratingly long time? Put up your hand if you have. Oooh!...
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By Now, I'm a Expert at Memory Loss
I sat down to write my weekly humor column, but I just could not remember what I wanted to write about. This seems to be an increasingly more common affliction, ever since I turned 40. For instance, like most people over 40, I often can't remember...
Free Funny Ecard and Free Funny Ecards
A free funny ecard is a way to brighten someones day whether you are living in the same area or whether you are living far away. Free funny ecards are available through several different websites. Many of these websites will have free funny ecards...
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You may be in love if...
One of the most common human experiences that two or more
(depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love.
But, it's not always easy to tell if you are in like, lust or
full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I've created...
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THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005
THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT
-- Or, Calling All Weird-Word Whizbangers! --
By Adrian Air-of-Sleet, a pleasure-seeking, mandolin-playing, maroon-hairpiece sort of fellow who enjoys Italian weddings, spelling bees, and the Calgary Stampede
While I was perusing several dog-eared magazines hanging from the racks of a 24-hour convenience store in the middle of a peculiar place named Billy Butts Pond, my enlightenment bulb went off.
Curious as to why this power of positive thinking outage had occurred, I put on my think-and-do cap in order to gain a new perspective on this perplexing problem.
I ascertained from the rather bleak-looking Canadian landscape around me that this ghastly glitch probably had something to do with being shipwrecked on a prominent piece of geography, (affectionately known as “The Rock”). Situated smack dab between the Gulf of St. Lawrence and the Atlantic Ocean, the province of “Newfoundland”, (as it's called by folks "from away"), is home to a few fishy characters who reside in odd outposts of humanity such as Ass Hill, Bareneed, and Dildo.
Now I know what it must have been like to live as my Celtic ancestors must have done in the “Dark Ages” ...you know... no flipping access to the Internet, i-pods, and personal digital assistants, not to mention vampire video games and vapid virtual reality TV shows.
With precious little to do while waiting for Godot to show up, I decided to organize and host a "Twisted-Tongue Tournament" for the locals and any aliens who happened to be in the vicinity.
The purpose of the challenge was to light a fire under everyone. Well come to think of it, by asking them to consider pairing animal names with human characteristics in order to give birth to a new set of beasts, we had the makings of party which "Newfies" adore as I found out. (This seemed like a good idea at the time, as there was no zoo let alone any pet-friendly, non-pooping, robotic animals in the blinking place).
So here are a few of the submissions received by the judges:
Bedspring Peeper – a naughty tree toad that refuses to turn into a Prince at midnight
Boo-Hoo Gnu – an ugly, unhappy ungulate that doesn’t stand a hope in hell of retiring to a stud farm thank you very much
Buffelope – a bare essentials, breast-beating beast with no hang-ups about the naked truth (see Scantelope)
Botchfly – a stout, hopelessly clumsy, winged creature that has difficulty with takeoffs and landings
Bush-Twit – a timid Texan titmouse
Chumpanzee – not your average high-flying jungle bunny
Cramanatee – a gormandizing golf-ball eater that lives in well-manicured lawns full of little holes with flagpoles sticking out
D'orca – a fashion-conscious killer whale
Ficklefish – a two-timing Piscean with an unhealthy attachment disorder
Gemsbloke – a large, young buck with lots of bling bling
Gussy Uppy – a gold-plated guppy that adds a little sparkle to any boring aquarium
tank
Hypopotamus – a short-legged, thick-skinned, under-performing vegetarian with limited bench-pressing abilities
Jokel – An Old World dog with a wicked sense of humor and lots of tricks up his sleeve
Kingflasher – a big name bird whose crests and crowns never quite cover his breast and tail discretely
Mongooser – a flat-witted, feisty-footed, posterior-pinching paramour of unknown origin
Pantelope – a graceful, butt-crack beast that lives in elevators and rides a bike to work
Pottypus – a toilet-trained, duck-billed devil from Tasmania
Scantelope – a fleet-of-foot, bare-all buxom beast (whose revealing exploits are chronicled in the best-selling naturist book, “What Really Went On Behind the Scenes in the Garden of Eden”)
Screech fowl – a breath-taking barnyard beast that hasn’t learned when to keep his/her trap shut
Screwupworm – a two-winged whimsical creature that nuzzles in the nostrils of nobodies as lackadaisical larva do, and then promptly engages in some serious botching activities (often with incredibly bewildering if not totally blundering results)
Scuzzard – a dirty, contemptible, shabby-looking vulture with a bad case of halitosis (but good enough to grab the spotlight as the mellow muddle-headed mascot on a u-brew beer label)
Slack Widow – a spiteful, supine, and very venomous Old World Spiderwoman
Springblotch – a clean, youthful, four-footed freak of nature that makes a mess of everything
Swelldish – a pleasant-looking puffer that makes one blush at first glance and then blurt out some silly stuff that one later regrets
Swilldebeest – a swashbuckling species that rarely count its drinks and eats freely, greedily or to excess if given the least opportunity
Titter Sucker – a boisterous bawling bird with a tipsy tongue (commonly found in Canadian wet bars)
Too-Too Titi – a la-di-da little scamp with three redeeming characteristics: a long tail, hairy underarms, and a penchant for communal living
Whopping Crane – a large, white, nearly extinct American bird with a long neck that beats its breast to patriotic tunes, flaps its wings to intimidate scarecrows, and yells “Cowabunga” at the top of its lungs for no apparent reason at at all
Willeye – a good-natured, willing-ready-and-able creature that spends most of its futile life swimming blissfully around in something called "quality-improvement circles"
So, if you end up in a hole-in-the-wall-place and lose your power of positive thinking – don’t forget to organize a titillating twisted-tongue tournament. It’ll do wonders to motivate the mummers, bring out the wonky wordpeckers who inhabit every nook and cranny, not to mention extend a warm welcome to some very odd-ball strangers.
About the Author
Adrian Air-of-Sleet is a casual conundrum in the Court of the Quipping Queen http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/ where he shares his vacuous thoughts with other arcane members of society.
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